Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Picking Up The Pieces

First heart break. It sucks. Though I am assuming you are (or were) already aware of that. I was not. Not until now, that is. You might be thinking that Thirty Years Old is unthinkable to be suffering through your first heart break. And you know what? I'm inclined to agree with you. But it has happened. And it sucks. Realizing that your life, the only life that you have known for almost 7 years, is over. I don't even have the words to describe the overwhelming pain that I have gone through emotionally and mentally. I can only imagine how a marriage feels when it falls apart after 20 odd years. I don't want to suffer through this again. Not ever.

That being said, I need to pick up the pieces of myself and reassemble them as best as I am able to. I don't even know how to get started on that, but I will figure it out. And I will become stronger for it. Maybe this is truly a blessing in disguise. I have learned so many things about myself through my time with Dani. I learned who I was. I learned how to love and be loved. I learned that we can overcome long distances and times apart (from our time both together and separate during our Europe trip). I learned to be strong not just for myself but for others too. And now that she's gone it's time to learn even more about myself by looking inwards. It's time to learn who I am on my own.

And how do you define who you are? I always though you defined yourself by what you do and who you surround yourself with. I still believe that's true. But I am also aware that you have to be strong enough to stand on your own when the time comes. And that is something that I've forgotten to be. I've relied on having Dani as my rock for so long and now that she's gone I've lost my footing. I fell into a dark place full of nothing but pain and depression. Now, I'm climbing back on to sure footing. Very slowly, and I haven't gotten very far yet, I'm finding out means to me and me alone. What does that mean for you? That means I'm going to be writing more. Lucky you!!

I'll attempt to keep the heart breaking and depressing stuff off of here for the most part. But if this whole blog thing is going to be a glimpse of who I am, my feelings are invariably going to be spread throughout the posts here. It's just who I am. And if I am going on this journey of self discovery, this would be the perfect outlet for my findings and revelations. And I'm glad you're joining me on the trip.

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