Monday, February 16, 2015

A Valentine's Day Letter

Hello sweetie,

It has been a long time since I’ve called you that. A very long time. Your absence is killing me a little bit at a time. I never ever saw this coming for us, and I never ever wanted it to. I am terrified that you will meet someone else and that they will replace me in what little space you have in your enormous heart that is still reserved for me. I must admit that I feel in my gut that you HAVE met someone else, and it hurts. And I’m scared and worried that you met and fell for this person before our “issues”.

My head knows that our relationship is over. You don’t want to pursue it anymore. You want to move on without me and see if someone else is able to give you what you believe I cannot. I understand that. But I only understand it in my head. My heart, however, still belongs to you. And it always will. I know you tried to give it back to me. I know you tried to be as gentle as you could with it, that instrument of eternal and undying love. But as I told you, I gave it to you freely. It is yours to do with as you will. And what you do with it is your choice, but I cannot accept it back. I have no say or control over what you do with it. I never have. I have always belonged to you. I hesitate to use the term “enslaved” because of the negative connotations, but in a sense that is exactly what I am. I am enslaved to you. I don’t have a choice on how I feel. I am forever yours.

I know this is not what you want to hear. Not at all. I worry that all this pushes you farther and farther away from me and you resent me. I don’t want you to resent me any more than you already do. Again, I know you don’t want to hear this, but please bear with me.

My precious Dani. I will forever be indebted to you. And I will continue to pour my heart out until I have nothing left to say. Unfortunately for you, you will always have to suffer through annoyance with me because I will never run out of things to say to you. I have spent so long with you not saying anything and now the flood gates have been opened and I can’t seem to stop. I can only imagine how crazy I am making you, but in the same sense you are making me crazy as well.

But the goal for this letter is not to make you annoyed. Or resent me. Or rehash issues that you believe we have. Believe it or not, this letter is for me to wish you happiness.

I have always wanted you to be happy, Dani. I have never wanted anything more. I, of course, would like to be happy as well, but if it was a choice between your happiness or mine, I would choose yours every time.

I want you to dance. You deserve to go dancing. Dance in the sun. Dance in the rain. Dance underneath the moon and the stars. Let yourself go out and be free. Enjoy your time and have fun.

I want you to go out with your friends. I want you to truly enjoy it too. Don’t let doubt and frustrations get in your way of enjoying yourself. You deserve so much more than you ever get.

I want you to find beauty in the rain and the sun. You are gorgeous. If not the most beautiful (in my eyes you are), you are quite possibly one of the most beautiful young women that I have ever met. I am honoured that you chose to spend as long as you did with me. I couldn’t stand it when people were flirting with you in front of me, but I could also understand why they would want to. I want you to find beauty in everything to match your own natural beauty.

I want you to be proud of yourself. I am proud to have been able to call you my love, even if it was only for a short time. And I want your pride to match how proud I am of you. You chose to do things that many people could only dream of! You lived in a foreign country for three months. You didn’t know a single word of the language or knew a single person before you went there. That takes courage and strength. Be proud. Be proud of ALL of your accomplishments, no matter how small and insignificant they may seem. Be happy and proud.

I want you to be you. You know who YOU are. You have always known. You may have said that you didn’t to make this move more convenient and easier for you in your mind, but you have always known who you are. And I know who you are too just like you know who I am. You are kind and sweet. You have one of the biggest hearts that I have ever had the pleasure of being touched by. You are a little bit of a dork, but in a stylish and classy sort of way. You made hard things easy for me when we were together and you still are and always will be the love of my life. You are one of the most caring people that I have ever met. You genuinely care about people even though you like to act like you don’t. You are stunning and gorgeous and have a spark and a light that I cannot possibly define in words.

And I miss you. Oh so much. When you were in Europe it was so much easier. You were mine and I was yours. Now, however, I am yours but you are no longer mine.

I miss everything about you. Even all your habits that used to annoy me. I miss your hair all over everything. I miss you pushing me down on the bed and jumping on me while I am reading. I miss you leaving the cupboards open and your fake pouting when you aren’t getting your way. I miss you snuggling up to me in bed, making me sweat uncontrollably. I miss your wet hair on my pillow after your shower. I miss your morbid fascination with reality TV. I miss watching our shows and discussing them afterwards. I miss your infectious enthusiasm and drive. I miss you tickling me, causing me to giggle and squirm. I even miss you punching me in the arm. I miss YOU.

You are my first, Dani. For everything. You have taught me and shown me things that I could only wonder about with fascination. Every kiss, every hug, every hand hold, every talk, every late night we have ever had. And I desperately wanted you to be my forever. I was too late to be YOUR first, but I wanted to be your LAST.

And I know you know what you mean to me. I wish I could mean to you right now what I meant to you before.

You will ALWAYS be in my heart. You will ALWAYS have my love. You will ALWAYS be my Dani.

Happy Valentine’s Day, baby.

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